How to overcome Perfectionism
Are you struggling with perfectionism? Do you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough? Have you spent hours working on something only to feel continually dissatisfied and disappointed in yourself? You’re not alone. Perfectionism is something I consider to be a blessing and a curse. In my own life, perfectionism has helped me in many ways and is even something I’ve considered to be a superpower at times. For example, you might not be reading this article right now if my perfectionism did not push me to go to grad school, complete my 3,000 hours of practicing therapy, and conquer the beast of the clinical exam that granted me my licensure as a therapist. Perfectionism has the power to override stress, burnout, fatigue, and anxiety in order to get the job done right.
But what happens when the perfectionistic tendencies that once served you so well and helped you achieve so much become your worst enemy. What do you do when that inner voice that once motivated you to do your best begins to shame you and tear you down? If you’ve ever felt the debilitating distress that toxic perfectionism can induce, you know how tough it is to overcome.
Overcoming perfectionism has become my favorite challenge to tackle with my clients in therapy. As a recovering perfectionist myself, I can relate to that intense need to do everything just right and how important it feels to do your best all the time. On my own journey to freedom from perfectionism, I’ve learned a thing or two.
Additionally, in my practice I use an evidenced based therapy called Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT). Allow me to geek out about this method for a moment! RO-DBT was created to specifically address individuals that have overcontrolled coping styles. What does this mean? Basically its those of us with the motto, “If at first you don’t succeed, apply more control!” In other words, if you are overcontrolled you are a person with excessive self-control. This can translate to maladaptive perfectionism that shows up for many of my clients as disordered eating, lifelong depression, social anxiety, and burnout. RO-DBT is a method that helps overcontrolled individuals (like me and maybe you too) find relief from the burden of perfectionism.
In this article, I’ll be exploring how RO-DBT defines psychological health and the tools you can start using today to overcome perfectionism too.
Receptivity and Openness
Flexible Control
Intimacy and Social Connectedness (with at least one other person)
Receptivity and Openness
Perfectionism and rigidity go hand in hand. If you’re a perfectionist in the way that I am, I absolutely love routine, structure, and stability. I like to know what to expect, I like a detailed plan, and I do NOT like when surprises come up. In fact, surprises were once so distressing to me that I avoided going out all together in favor of remaining in my home, an environment I could control. I’m sure you can understand how this level of rigidity could cause a few issues in my life. New restaurants were off the table (no pun intended). New friends? The horror! Even changing the kinds of dishes I used was a huge upset. Clearly, I was stuck.
RO-DBT provides the tools I needed then to shake out of my stagnant routine, address the fear keeping me stuck in rigidity, and dare to be imperfect. Receptivity and openness is a major component of psychological health according to RO-DBT’s definition. Tightening the grip on rigidity and opening your mind to receiving newness is absolutely essential to overcoming perfectionism and overcontrol.
What does this mean? It means being receptive to the idea that your way is not the only way. It means opening up to the possibility that you could do things differently and the world would not fall apart. It means receiving disconfirming feedback from others, and letting it in instead of immediately shutting it down.
A great way to practice receptivity and openness is using “self-enquiry", essentially sitting with whatever unwanted emotion comes up and asking questions that bring you closer to your learning edge. For example, you might ask, what need is this emotion communicating to me? What might change for me if I let things be different? What am I gaining by keeping everything just as it is? When you approach your rigidity with curiosity, you begin to understand ways that being open could be helpful, even if its uncomfortable.
Flexible Control
This is where the change happens. Once you can open yourself up to new experiences and disconfirming feedback, the next step is to adapt and switch gears. A common misconception for perfectionists or overcontrolled individuals is that there are two modes of operation: in-control and out-of-control. Truth is, psychological health lies somewhere in between — and that’s what we call flexible control.
This is the art of knowing when to hold on and when to let go. When what you’ve always done is no longer working, flexible control is the permission to change course and adapt to your environment. Flexible control requires acceptance that the world is constantly changing — in fact the only constant in our reality is change! So much distress comes from trying to remain rigidly the same when change throughout one’s lifetime is inevitable. One small scale example comes to mind from my own experience in early recovery:
When I first left eating disorder treatment, there were very few restaurants I was comfortable eating at. While I regularly challenged myself with fear foods, I still felt the need to plan each meal and snack in order to meet my meal plan requirements, and the majority of my diet was relatively safe food. So, every time my family went out to eat, my urge to overcontrol went through the roof. If I could, I would try to control what restaurant we went to, but if that wasn’t possible, I spent what felt like hours before the meal agonizing over the menu to determine what would feel safe and also meet the requirements of my meal plan. Needless to say, I was never present with my family and this didn’t feel good.
After a time I began to realize I was focused on controlling the wrong thing. Instead of controlling my food and pleasing my eating disorder and my treatment team (which is impossible), I shifted my efforts to remaining present with my family. “Doing it right” now meant enjoying myself, laughing, and honor meals as a time to connect. While I still needed to apply some control, enough that I could eat an adequate amount to remain solidly in my recovery, releasing the control surrounding where, what, and how I ate allowed me to fall smack dab between over and under-controlled. This felt good.
Next time you find yourself feeling distressed and notice the urge to control, ask yourself this:
How does it serve me to hold on? Where would it serve me better to let go?
Intimacy and Social Connectedness
If you’re anything like I was in the height of my perfectionism, the suggestion that I needed the help of anyone but myself would have been abhorrent to me! Flashbacks of group projects and work presentations in which I commandeered the operation for fear that no one would do things right floods my memory as evidence of that. It’s true, I accomplished a lot on my own — and at the time it felt perhaps a bit self-righteous in a bad way. I didn’t need anyone! I wore my independence like a badge of honor.
The downside of this toxic independence was the isolation and immense pressure that came with it. I took way too much on and berated myself when I crushed under the pressure. Not only that, but I was alone under that pile of rocks. I didn’t understand at the time that doing the most and trying to be the best at everything was a one woman sport that effectively shut many people out of my life. While I was very successful for a time, driven by my perfectionism and overcontrol override, I was really lonely.
As human beings, we are hardwired for connections — so as much as we’d like to think that we are fine on our own, we do need other people. It is in our DNA, we belong with each other. As hard as it is, letting people in and accepting help is one way to challenge and resolve perfectionism. The good news is, even letting one person in can be enough to meet this biological need. You only need two people to make a tribe!
Next time you’re having a tough day, try reaching out to a friend or family member. You might be resisting asking for support because “you should be able to handle it on your own.” If you’re thinking this, you’re not alone — but you’re also not doing yourself any favors. It is human to need support, and you are not above human emotions. We run into trouble when we confuse asking for support with asking someone to “fix” us. Totally not the same thing! Compassion means to “be with” suffering, not to eradicate it. When you vulnerably ask another to sit with you in your suffering, it is scary because you reveal yourself as an imperfect human. But to do this, and be accepted for it, can help us overcome the myth that we need to “have it all together” to be loved.
In summary…
Perfectionism is a hard thing to disentangle from personality. And in truth, there are some things you may want to hang out to about being a perfectionist. Don’t lose that drive, resilience, and spunk. But maybe consider ways to channel those traits into avenues that serve you. Maybe think about areas in your life that you can release some control, and instead let others in. It takes practice and sometimes it takes the help of a therapist to guide you towards that middle ground.
Interested in RO-DBT or therapy for perfectionism? I got you covered.
